In the dark of the night and in my solitude, I heard a voice inside me.
“Who are you?” He asked.
Not knowing whose voice was, I replied, “I do not know. I’m not sure. I know I’m living, but I don’t know the reason for my existence. I know I have only problems and stress during my days.”
“So, where’s your treasure?”, The voice asked again.
I replied. I have it in my family, my work and my possessions.
“And what is the purpose of your existence?” The voice continued.
“Death, I replied. This death that haunts me every day reflected in this world full of evil, suffering and pain.”
“My son, the voice continued. You must not fear. Find your essence within. Find your wealth within because that’s where you’ll find your value. Not in material things.”
“And after finding it, you will know the answers of the world around you. You will know who you really are, and you will know where you’re going.”
“Put your treasure where it belongs. Put your hope and your faith within. You will know how great you are.”
I remember when this 2020 year started; I had so many good wishes that this year would be the year of material achievements and resolutions. Like many, I never expected that this year was going to be a year of so many challenges.
We never expected this pandemic and the world shutdown. We were all inside, some of us working, some coping differently with being inside. The pandemic has shown us what we are really made of. It has shown our deepest fears, angers, and who we have as a partner, or as a family member. I had heard about so many divorces and how people are coping with being alone. This situation represents an opportunity to show us with whom we are. Is our responsibility to know-how are we coping with our fears, with the anger, and unresolved frustration. We are all forced to work on this without hiding it. However, few are facing this issues face on and instead are trying to numb themselves. The numbness won’t last forever, and the problems will continue to get bigger and bigger until some action takes place. This is how life works. Until we do what we need to do, life won’t change. It will continue to show us our downfall.
This 2020 has been a year of significant challenges for all. Economic, health, family relationships, but mainly this year are showing us the relationship we have with ourselves reflected in the relationships we have with others. We forget that relationships are a reflection of who we are and how we see our lives. The world is a mirror, and we need to understand that the trouble we have with others is just our own reflection.
I remember when I got married; I learned that my ex-husband was going to show me a lot. Those ten years of marriage were years where I grew up, matured a lot, and I became who I needed to become. It has been eleven years after I got divorced, and my ex-husband is till teaching me a lot of things.
The same thing happens with our relationship with money, our job, and our health. It is easier said than done. I know. We need to be grateful of what we have, count our blessings day by day, and see our accomplishments daily. It doesn’t matter if they are small. Rome wasn’t build in a day.
This 2020 has affected me in my health. I have taken it as a blessing in disguised. It has taught me more than you think. I can say that nobody is to blame but me. I’m a single mother with two teenager sons I work a lot. I have two jobs and I had trouble sleeping. I had to go to work with one to three hours of sleep and work from seven am to seven pm for two years. I was so busy paying bills, working, and taking care of my sons that when this pandemic hit, my stress levels went so high that I became sick. It was on May this year when the doctor told me what you don’t want to hear ever. “You have cancer.”
I was afraid, worried, and I ask God, why? Why me? How? What happened? I went through four stages of grief. I became angry; I denied I had done something wrong. I became depressed, the thought of leaving my two sons with no family, and the thought of planning how to protect them. Me and my older son had very serious conversations on what to do in case of the inevitable. We didn’t know how far or what stage was the cancer. It was a tough time. I had to do a lot of tests to have answers and to have the right doctor who could help me. I read many books and changed my life. I eat better, sleep better, lost weight, became more physically active. I’m undergoing chemotherapy, I had lost all my hair. I am still working on my job. Working as a middle school teacher. I wear a wig and teach full time. My doctor has told me she is impressed on how I am working through my treatment. Other people tell me I have a good viewpoint of life and on my situation.
I can say my view of life has changed. Now I take time to slow down and smell the roses. To look up at the sky and appreciate the clouds, the trees moving with the wind, the sunsets, and the sunrises. I appreciate spending time with my sons and remind them as often as I can how much I love them. I take time to appreciate other people’s company and for other’s actions not to affect me. I have understood that people rarely want to hurt us. Some people don’t know how to give, to forgive, or to love. And all the times that I felt offended by others was their unresolved problems and issues. It takes time to understand, and time to live this way. Some days I am successful, some days I’m not. And it’s OK. I have learned that the only thing you can do is your best every day.
Some people won’t understand you, won’t accept you, or won’t like you. And is OK. We are born not to make everybody happy. We are born to be happy with us, to feel love by us, which will reflect on the love you have for your family, your work, and for the world. You will create happiness as long as you start with yourself. It is not the other way. It always starts with you and ends with you. It is a full circle. The love you feel inside will expand to every single person you meet and things you do and will come back to you. Same as the hate, anger, and fear. All will come back to you ten thousand fold. So think about it…
This year is a year of challenge. Many things won’t be the same, you know that. Change is inevitable and will make us grow. You can be angry because you have lost something or someone. Or you can pick up your pieces and become whole again. The choice is yours.
MCPKINSKY 